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Feeling Awkward

Updated: Sep 14, 2020

Here is the quote from my notes app for this article idea..."Awkward, what is it really? I have been called this, and called myself this so many times. Especially in sobriety. I have walked up to groups of strangers and told them, "I have no friends," which was the truth, and I saw the pause and silence in their expressions as the glanced back and forth in search of what to say. The "oh my God, did she really just say that out loud" look. Then came little giggles, and someone spoke up embracing my comment and thanking me for my truthfulness (thank god AA is better than High School). This has been a constant for me, the awkwardness. I share about it constantly, with lots of laughter in the rooms. People jokingly love me for my quirkiness. But what about the moments of judgment? The ways in which we label people as awkward. When awkwardness is really just diving fully into all the corners of nerdiness in your soul. All of the eccentricities and weirdness that make you, you. I know now that laughter is a form of agreement. It is a recognizing of truth within me and you, a sort of humorous Namaste. I have always loved the people who laugh along with me. I was told early on, the only way to get sober was through rigorous honesty. The spiritual principle behind step one, the only step I had to get perfectly. So I just started saying out loud, all the secret stuff that was inside of my, at 24 years old, for the first time in my life. I am still sober 13 years later, not a coincidence."

Looking at it a second time, I see my own judgments in it. I was wanting to call out others for not embracing me fully for my truth, but in reality I was the one who was uncomfortable with it. I can't expect to accost people with something that is super vulnerable and expect them to instantly accept it without reproach. I was running around with vulnerability glitter-bombs. And that will most certainly lead to some awkward pauses.

It is true, that I have a knack for saying odd things. At least in social company. I am still at a loss for what cool people talk about. Don't get me wrong, I think in some circles I come across as very succinct and together. Namely when I was doing therapy and running groups and being the voice of reason in staff meetings etc...I learned how to be a "normal" professional in my time in college and graduate school. I mean, I can do it, it just isn't my natural state of being. I doubt I'm alone here. I guess what's got me puzzled these days is why aren't more people just being themselves? Or why aren't they taking the time to know what that is?

Okay, I get that there is some privilege here on my part. I have had the privilege of taking a step back and questioning what is right for me and what isn't. I had a choice to leave my career and do something else.

I talk about the "system" a lot these days. It's been on my mind a lot. I have been questioning every piece of information that has been handed to me from the time I was little to now. Such as, Why do I want to be a therapist? Why do I feel compelled to shop for new clothes when I have plenty? Why do I say yes when I don't want to do things? Why do I feel obligated to listen to people when I want to cut them off? Why am I giving away my life for other people? Why am I pursuing the American Dream when I know it doesn't really lead to happiness??? (there are documentaries galore on this, not just my opinion) Here is a link to the trailer for the documentary "Happy" about this very subject. This is just one of the many resources that I have consumed on my path toward happiness.

Yesterday my husband and I deliberated for much of the day over a 75$ purchase for inserts for diapers for our kids' cloth diapers. We wanted the best for the money. Maybe its the pandemic, but I've been really thinking about where I'm giving away my money these days. Thinking "do we really need this, or am I trying to change how I feel with this purchase." Sometimes its a mix. I also know I want to move to Hawaii, and with the current economic climate, I'm thinking about if my purchases are getting me further or closer to my dream. Or, "if I'm moving to Hawaii, is this something I'd take with me?" Usually the answer is no. In the case of reusable diapers however, it was yes.

I'm listening to an audio book recording of "The Autobiography of a Yogi" right now, and have been trying to continuously keep my inputs to my consciousness and subsequently my subconscious to information on empowerment, enlightenment, and fulfillment. Because, most days, that's what I want.

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