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A Brief Ode to Grief

My marriage is over. I am not sure how to process it, so I started writing again. I hope it is helping. It's what I know to do...

My body is uneasy. But it was that way long before I met you. It has a vibration to it that keeps me up at night. A feeling of nervousness that is ever-present. I have been abandoned and abused by others and by myself. You have to understand, I never understood someone showing up in unwavering love. I know this isn’t always possible. We are all tyrants in our own way. I wasn’t held for long periods of time. My heart breaks with sadness or is it longing?

I long for surrender. I long for the release of the vice around my spirit. God, I cry out for you and only you. I want to hold you. I want to be wrapped in golden wings.

I need to forgive myself for all the years I allowed darkness to do what it wanted with me. For my own lack of love. For all the years I let tyranny use my body and spirit. I never knew a gentle love. I never knew a tender touch, an innocent love.

My spirit longs for this. I am so human.

I work to release the shame from my body, and I create soft things. I create soft places that will wrap me up. I have nooks and books and I weave tapestries that I hang on every wall. I have grown gardens and secret places with fairies and gnomes where I can go to be with you. Places I go to become love. Places I go to be filled with light. I long to merge with it.

We will make beauty out of darkness. We will come together in divine union and our bodies will be sacred once again. In fact, they always were… I am just remembering now because I have come to Heaven in my longing.

I will still cry sometimes and forget. I will suffer and squander. Sometimes though, I will release the energy through the space I create to feel all of my humanness. And I will always long for You. And my longing will keep me coming Home.

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