What happens when you decide to take your life back? What happens when you decide to dedicate to a spiritual path? What happens when you come out of the “freeze” response you’ve been living in and start moving your body again out of joy or at least out of love for yourself? All kinds of things…
Some of the things feel really good. Moving your body, listening to your body, feeing the buzz of your heartbeat reverberate through your entire being. Your throat chakra starts to open up and you start saying what your truth is even if it is not who you have been telling people you are for some time. It shakes the ground you’ve been asleep on and forces you into a cypher of energy. You might start dressing in a way that makes you feel seen or sensual. You might pay more attention to the needs of your body. You might stop feeling ashamed about the needs of your body. You might feel the need to go new places, jump in cold water, run, laugh, talk to new people and exchange new ideas. You might feel really free.
Some of the things you feel might not feel so good. You might pick up on the astonishment of the people around you who are so used to you being small or giving or quiet. You might feel anger that you let yourself wallow or stay frozen for so long. You might feel like burning it all to the ground. You might feel like leaving a relationship or friendship. You might want to start a new career. You might question everything you are doing and go on a rollercoaster of emotions that feel hard to contain on any given day (write them down). You might feel the urge to scream or stretch at “inappropriate” moments throughout the day to release all the pent-up energy that is coming out of you. You might have to stand firm in your growth even though the people around you keep trying to get you to go back to being the old, stuck, version of you because it was more convenient for them. You might feel heartache.
I joined a tantric yoga workshop online with a group of 80 women. We join the live stream on Fridays or we play the replays when we have time and we do our homework. Most importantly we share openly from the heart on what is happening in our lives. We support, we celebrate, we open. We cry, we share our fears, we bleed, we open. We have decided that we are going to feel all the ways. We are going to feel the dark feminine and the light, the dark masculine and the light. We are going to ask ourselves and our bodies to lead us to our truth. It has not been linear so far. We are going to lean on each other in times of doubt and heartache instead of taking our hurts to those who would misunderstand or call us “crazy” or any derivative thereof. No more going to dry wells looking for water. Our thirst must be quenched.
Right now, in my personal life things are very raw. The layers of protection have been peeled away, and just when I think there is nothing left to peel away, there is more.
I hope wherever you are, wherever your willingness is, you start moving. You start moving your body, your prayers, your communication to a place that awakens you. To the place that makes you feel alive. To the place that makes you laugh and takes your breath away. To the place that flows so easily into the riverbed of your life. I hope you feel the flood of energy waiting for you and it brings your dreams to life. Do not be ashamed of your wildness. It is a part of us all. Love that inner child who looks at the world full of wonder. There is so much to see.