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Energy Healing Session and Spirit Renewal

Waiting on our move to Hawaii has not been very fun at times. I have created a narrative in my mind that tells me, once I am there, then I will be at maximum happiness. Now almost every guru or spiritually minded amateur have all touted the same parable. That happiness is in the now, not in the tropical paradise future. That you have to live the way you want to live now, and not sit around in your suffering on a hypothetical “someday.” I am starting to think there may be something to the idea that waiting around to get happiest at an arbitrary future date may be all wrong.

Yesterday I took the day off with some friends to drive to Gainesville and get an energy clearing and have lunch and then drive home. It was some new sober friends, and we generally had a blast having deep conversations about life, laughing about the nuanced intricacies of this modern world, and enjoying the scenery. Now, since becoming a mom, I have had a handful of carefree days like this. Heck, since becoming an “adult” I have had only a few days like this. It was really nice. Not something for every day, but a worthy treat to celebrate with my compatriots on this wild, whirling rock.

I think Spirit Renewal gets pushed to the backburner, often forever, for some folks. I am not talking about a spiritual practice, such as yoga, or meditation or ceremony that you perform in the confines of your own home, but something slightly different. Spirit Renewal to me is when I am outside, or on a long drive singing my favorite songs at full blast (sometimes tears streaming) or sitting in my garden and watching all the life that comes to visit. It is something more subtle than your average meditation. It is partly the deep gratitude for being alive in the moment, but also the taking in of creation. Whether that creation is self-made, man-made, or the Creation of the world. It is an awe. It fills you to the brim with okay-ness; contentedness regardless of what may be going on in life at the moment. Spirit Renewal is so vital for me. I went a lot of my life ignoring its significance. When I say Spirit Renewal and tie it to my okay-ness an example of this would be when my Spirit has been renewed, I do not need to shop, judge, or go overboard ingesting information. I have an easy ability to put my phone down and create. I am not swayed by marketing or darkness that I may see because I accept myself and feel whole without creating distraction or purchasing a feeling. This is just an example from my current life that I am noticing. I had to buy underwear and mulch today. On both occasions I found it somewhat easy to jut get what I came for and not “see what else is there.”

I also went on a run this morning and took care of myself physically. I made healthy food choices and I wanted to. Most of the time, this has not been the case. I have spent much of my life and even in my sobriety “running and gunning” for some sort of happiness achievement award. I have pushed my body too far on not enough fuel because if I have the perfect body, then I’ll be happy, or at least my partner will be. I have said yes when I meant no thank you because I want other people to be happy with me and like me and see me as nice and favorable. I have denied myself quiet time and meditation in order to be liked more by my spouse and children while really, I have martyred my time because of what I tell myself about being a “good mom” who is 100% available all the time and denies her own needs. I can tell you that my husband would much rather me ask for my own meditation time away from the kids in the morning and actually take it versus the resentment/anger/bitter martyr train returning to the station every day.

And when I do sit in meditation, I can actually acknowledge and dismiss the little bully that tells me I am being a selfish/bad/irresponsible mother. I can look at the intergenerational trauma handed down for generations that tall me to deny my needs, keep up with the joneses, or who you are is not enough. I know I am not alone here. I know there has to be other people who avoid quiet time because of the demons they face when they do. I also know, that is what the demons want. They do not want you to see how freaking strong and powerful you really are. They do not want you to break the status quo. They do not want you to realize you are a force of nature and you do not need social media, media of any sort really (TV, News, Famous People, Amazon, Netflix, Musicians etc..), advertisements, telling you who you are or who you should be.

Imagine a world where none of that stuff exists. No Glowing Boxes anywhere. What would you do with your time. Would you learn woodworking? Would you travel? Would you learn homesteading or art history? Now I know, that is not happening, if anything tech is entering our lives at breakneck speed. And you all know, ultimately, I am really asking this of myself…

I for sure would learn how to use as many tools as I would need to run my own little urban farm. I have seen some of the most beautiful videos of people turning ordinary lots into highly productive urban homesteads and I am so fascinated I could spend all day every day watching this. It is so beautiful. But instead of idolizing the screen and its people, how about I get out there and do some old-fashioned trial and error. Now obviously, I use The Internet and some of its places for inspiration and learning and I also know exactly what I would do without it. I would go to the dang library (where they incidentally also have computers I can use). Lots of timeless wisdom is found in old gardening books and farmers almanacs. Ugh, I am getting a little sappy just thinking about it (why do I love produce, and gardens so much, I feel weird).

But I am realizing more and more that I need a good amount of Spirit Renewal in each day to stave off the grips of my vices. Without some plans for the day that involve moving my body, trying something new, or doing something challenging, and being in nature as much as possible, I will revert back to looking outside of myself for the next solution to my life’s “problems.” Without loosening and distancing myself from the clamors of the world I will fade easily into a more resentful, negative, and suffering version of me. And it grows day by day. I eat more sweets, I watch more TV, and I buy more junk. Oy and the merry go round is making me weary. I think though that it takes a lot of revolutions through what used to work and is no longer working for me. Like I have to really grind my old behaviors into the dirt until I am finally ready to let it go. They each still fill the void when I do not address my spirt and spiritual practices. So, on that note, I am going to go sit quietly with the Cosmos (flowers outside, though I am digging the double meaning right now).

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