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Felt selfish, figured I'd post about it.

In reality, I am feeling a little selfish, but I'm not feeling that bad about it. Sometimes I do wonder if I have a touch of Narcissism. Some of you if you've read more than these few lines (hi family!), might be nodding your head in agreement (especially my brother, love you still). But really, it's been an odd few years. Maybe it started when I got pregnant with my first daughter and was an instinctual response to shelter her and myself away from negative energy so she could be safe and grow in a loving and responsive environment free from the energy vampires. Or maybe I just started seeing that I didn't want her to watch me be inauthentic so she'd have a better blueprint for living an honest life, no matter what her calling. But I can tell you I started saying no to a lot of stuff and yes to some other stuff and that makes some people mad.

I'll be more specific. I am (technically) a Social Worker. Its what I spent a decade of my life (undergrad, graduate, supervision, and licensure) achieving. So that I could help people... But right after I had my daughter and a few months before getting my license, I started to hit a wall. It is very normal for people in helping professions to "burn out" but this was somewhat adjacent to that, because I still want to help, but I want to do it my way. Through regenerative farming, writing, making videos, speaking, running, recovery and parenting.

You see we (my husband and I) own a treatment center at which, I have been a dutiful trauma therapist for a few years (approx 4). And then one day, I just started trying to pawn off all my work. I couldn't be honest with myself or our team or even Jason for a while, that I was done with the direct therapy work, groups and all. In my undergraduate internship I did victim/witness counseling and that was the last time I really felt good doing generalist practice Social Work, but it was expected that I get my Masters and help my husband start the center, and I was all for it. About a year before we moved to Florida and a year and a half from getting my Master's degree I started to volunteer my time one day a week on a local organic farm in Austin TX. To say I fell deeply in love with the dirt and plants and whole community aspect of it is just skimming the surface. Of all the things about Austin I miss the most other than the people (hi family!) Its my running trails and that farm. Now I know there is horticulture therapy out there and permaculture training courses galore (I'm on it!) but at the time I felt compelled to stay the course. I was going to put on my business casual outfits I bought from Marshalls and show up and be a professional therapist damn it! Just thinking about getting dressed in business casual right now makes me want to throw up a little bit. You see, I'm kind of a dirt-bag hippie. Like I'm the type of person who though may scoff and snicker at the beginning of a drum circle, is going to be pounding my chest and waxing a fake ball of fire dead center in a few minutes because at my core, I love that weirdo shit. Don't get me wrong I love being clean, especially freshly showered in a fresh bed (woot! you know what I'm talkin' about!) but I also love being outside and just connecting with the earth. Like it feels the most right to me of all right things. Some of you will know that this is your thing too. For some, the business casual will hold more appeal. My hat is off to you. Thank goodness someone wants to do it. I just spent a lot of my life living for other people's expectations and I hit a wall, and all of a sudden The Universe came to my side and just said "nope you're not going to do that today, nope, and not tomorrow either. In fact I'm going to sit here in your way until you get honest with yourself and everyone else, time to grow" (literally and figuratively haha?). And mostly that just looked like a lot of half-assed work. And people don't like that. I didn't either in my defense.

I wish It had struck me a little faster but the process of doing what I want to do on a daily basis (moderately of course, not exactly raging against the machine just yet) has taken a few years. My first daughter is now about 3 and a half. Thankfully as one half of the ownership team it was hard for my husband and everyone else to fire me. But I did just start to sort of spend more time just not going to work. Before that though I did make sure to officially transfer all of my groups and individual clients. When I did go to work I just felt like there was something else I should be doing with my time, no idea what, but there was a nagging feeling that I was missing something. So I did what a lot of avoiders do, I got on the 'ol Social Media a lot. I wish I could say it was all bad, but I spent a lot of time in exploration on YouTube and Instagram and tried to identify with all the things that sparked joy (thank you Marie Kondo, I also did a lot of de-cluttering in efforts to change my energy and it definitely helps). I watched a ton of Ellen Fischer too. She is a lady who is an Influencer and lives in Hawaii with her beautiful family and is plant-based and just an all around nice lady and I wondered how she did that. I wanted to do that, or something like that, but getting my husband behind me building my own personal brand for a few years while he sweats it out at our business that supports the family is a tough sell, but ultimately there wasn't much he could do about it, ergo, my crappy performance at work and constant complaining (see, I felt really selfish).

The heart wants what the heart wants. I could continue to feel bad about all that, or I could start to forge my own path. And I have (hello there, I am writing stuff). I have also begun to learn to edit videos and now I wish I had gone to school for radio, TV and film, because that is a steep learning curve. When I see talented permaculturists or anyone on YouTube with beautiful videos I know how hard they had to work for that 10 minute clip. I probably should not have jumped right to Acrobat Pro, but oh well. Now I don't think that someone is going to come along and recognize my genius overnight (I make myself laugh sometimes..jeez). I think I'm going to have to work for a while. I need to take a few classes in creative writing and/or storytelling, more Acrobat tutorials, plenty of filming time, setting up a studio and then taking the time each day to write and be consistent. Not to mention the actual action of putting together my homestead at home and up at work from nothing. Oh and we're training for a 50k to boot. And I make pottery... Did I mention I have a one year old and a three year old? But I'm happy. I'm really loving each day. I'm loving that I'm not embarrassed about putting myself out there anymore. I used to think just making a post or a video or a blog was in some way conceited or "too out there" as if I were exploiting myself in some way. Now I do think that's possible, but I don't think that's what my intentions are at this point.

I say all that to say this, I believe I can do good things, things that are deeply needed and of service to the world, but if they are not MY calling then I'll be unhappy and thus make others unhappy by nature of my resenting the great thing I'm attempting to do while forsaking another good thing, and maybe it's slightly less good, but it's authentic. So perhaps I'm a little selfish or whatever, but I'm amazed at what I can do and the love I can maintain, so I'll keep at it a while I think.

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