I Might Have Pissed Someone Off...
So, my mom read my blog, specifically the articles about her (or at least these are the ones she commented on). She was not happy. She told me she is going to stop visiting me. She told me she thought I was over all this stuff. And to some extent, I am. I mean, as much as anyone gets over their childhood experiences. They shaped me. They made me who I am. I asked her if there was something I could do to alleviate her feelings and her response was generally “no”, but she said that I could “like her more.” And I did not know how to respond. I mean, I do like her. I told her that it was my experience of the past, and that her experience would feel different and that is okay. She was upset that I felt closer to my dad, or more loved by him, and I was honest. I said “Dad’s love is unconditional, it is always positive, always present. With you, it felt like if I was not the version of me you wanted, I was not loved, love was conditional.” She did not disagree. I know there was more she wanted to say. She told me she was feeling defensive, so I tried not to goad the conversation. We spent another 45 minutes in silence at her house while my kids played with the cats, ate rice and beans, and watched a cartoon. I wanted to feel sad or angry at her for only focusing on how she felt and on the negative, but I am too tired of feeling that way.
I wrote what I wrote because it was my truth. I have spent all of my life living carefully. So as not to disturb my parents’ sacred view of their daughter. I have not gotten visible tattoos. I have lied about being okay with my father’s barbeque restaurant when I am an ethical vegan. I have lied about not wanting to get vaccines because of the fear of what my overly political family will think. I have lied about how much my childhood hurt me. Until I stopped lying and started a blog. I started a place where I could be exactly who I am. If she or anyone else does not want to see that, that is 100 percent their prerogative. It is your life. But this one, this one is mine! I write this so I can claim my truth on this planet. So I can leave something real for my girls.
I got home and after talking about it for a while, I still felt a lot of the ick on me. Like something had jumped on my back at my mom’s house. Guilt? Anger? Sadness? I felt zapped. Like you do after an energy vampire drains you of your vital life force. I do not know whether to feel excited to be free of the expectation and obligation in my relationship with my mother or to feel abandoned. Maybe I feel both. All I know, is that I do not want what happened to me to happen with my daughters. I know that I might be somewhat powerless over what my kids feel. But I will try my hardest to control my side of the street. I told my mom, “you and dad are so distracted. You had your own lives, but also you have TV, books, radio, news, and other things that keep you distracted. All I wanted was for you to stop, look me in the eye, and ask me about who I was.” I just wanted them to slow down long enough to see me, to get to know me.
We are so distracted in this world. I am so distracted in this world. I stare at my phone, I watch Netflix, anything to keep me from being with myself. The emotions and the life that are happening are not always pleasant, and extremely hard to stay present with. It has been a rough day. I am trying my hardest to dig down deep on this one and all my defense mechanisms are kicking in and trying to get me to look away from the pain. Go eat some terrible food, turn on the TV, pick up your phone…
I know that undoubtedly, many people do not feel the emotional extremes that I do. Many people have parents who mess up, and it rolls off their back, it did not stick to them. They moved on. They saw their parents as separate from themselves. It was then, this is now.
And maybe it is best to have some separation for a while. A friend of mine had a similar experience to mine and she spent 5 years not engaging with her parents. She said it was oddly lonely, but also, extremely beneficial for both parties. I think for me the most beneficial thing will be coming into myself. Albeit a bit late at 38, but just going and doing, saying and being me without apology. I see people on social media, or the world in general putting it out there and I honestly think, “if I did that, what would my parents think.” It stops me. Think of all the art that would not have happened if people worried about what their parents were going to think. Think about all the activists and leaders who would still be in the shadows if they were worried what their parents were going to think…I want to sever the strings. In fact, go fetch the lighter, cause we gonna burn the strings.
This is me. I am Vegan. I am Sober (100%). I am not into modern pharmaceuticals. I think they do more harm than good. I think western doctors are good and well-meaning, but I think they have been sold a bill of goods, and I can’t be a part of that system, and I will not let my kids be a part of that system. I am into food being medicine, and don’t believe in chemicals being in our lives (under our sink, in toxic candles and air fresheners, on our skin, in our dental care, in our water, on our clothes, on our produce, etc ad infinitum). I love learning, but do not trust our school systems to teach my kids how to emotionally care for those around them and also how to prepare financially for our future. I believe all media is an ad (yes, even this), and the best advice on how to live your life comes from within, or from true community (out in the world, talking to your friends and colleagues). I do not think a career is important or impressive. I think creative, meaningful work is an artform and we should all do the precious calling in our hearts. I think we should live and work together in a barter/trade community where we are making sure everyone has enough (there is enough to go around and we are doing a crappy job of distributing the wealth). I think our modern government is patriarchal and racist and politics are a distraction from the fact that we are a lot more alike than we were ever taught in “school,” and possibly a distraction from the aliens (live long and prosper). Animal Agriculture (even “humane”) is murder and no animal needs to be consumed for this planet to thrive and live healthier than we ever have. I would no sooner eat a cow or a chicken than I would a dog or cat. We are all being sold the idea that going into debt for the American Dream is worth it and it is not. Period. Money and the accumulation of things (no matter how gilded) will not lead to happiness. Big Tech and Old Money are keeping you enslaved to your shit. College and student loans are a racket. They want to sell you on the idea that you are not worthy of making a living without some letters, and hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt to your name. Total bullshit. There are some really well-meaning people working in colleges too, and they are a great place to meet people with dreams, but not the only place. This is by no means the full picture of how weird I am. I believe the Universe speaks to us if we are listening closely and will provide opportunity if we are paying attention. I do not think we are the only intelligent life in the Universe. I think the lives we live on this planet are a form of education. We have to keep learning the karmic lessons until we reach enlightenment and I believe we are in a time of rapid growth. I still believe in free will and I know we will either save this planet or destroy it, but we should work hard to try to save it. In the end though, the earth may be better without us. I hope we never find out. I hate plastic. I hate it. I hate that I use it all the time and that my food is contained in it 90% of the time. We need a new system stat. I believe in the renewal of the Spirit, when I am feeling low, I take a shower to get grounded and just go out in nature for a while. I believe the trees heal me and want what is best for me (they have been my constant companion and have taught me a lot about stillness). I believe I am an empath and absorb and feel very deeply and need a lot of alone time for renewal. I believe we can change, but it takes an inordinate amount of courage and faith. I believe there are many paths to God and there is no one child of God. We are all him/her/it. The keys to the Kingdom are within us, we just have to be willing to seek and go there. Okay, I am tired now. I’ll add more to the list later. Much love to y’all out there on the journey. Just know I love you; I love how hard you work. And you are not alone. Amen