Okay, so I haven't written anything since January of last year. It has been an interesting hiatus. I think I stopped writing for a few reasons. I was in a pretty dark spot for some months following the fallout with my mother. I felt like as a result of my writing I upended my life. Even though I was only speaking (writing) my truth. But that has been the narrative that I have been raging against for so long. That I am only lovable and acceptable when I make myself appealing and comfortable for those around me...
This theme keeps returning to me. I'll go to a party and think, why did I say those things, why did I eat that thing I didn't want to just to be pleasing? When presented with a "no-food" at a party, I took it, just because it was offered to me and the waiter seemed nice?! I always bring some fruit in my bag for just such occasions. The convergence of addiction and people pleasing is a formidable beast. I keep denying myself of my truth in the desperate desire to be liked, loved or accepted. It's like I am almost there, fully prepared to do well and enjoy myself, and then the beast sits on my shoulders whispering anxieties and terrors should I make the "wrong" move. "I mean, what will they think of you..."
I'd like to tell you I knew the answer to fixing this. That from now on I'm going to just live in my truth from here on. If only it were so simple. I do know that I am becoming more and more aware of the moments I abandon myself for others. In meditation in the mornings the tears fall as I listen to my heart that reminds me that I am loved. I am loved by myself, by the Universal Creator, and by a few people who accept my imperfections and still want to be around me.
I've written a few times about my difficulties with connection. I've written about quitting social media in order to connect more with actual people only to be let down by myself and my inability to socialize in an effective way, then I return to my glowing screen full of people who are just like me and I feel comforted once again, albeit still a little lonely. I have seriously considered joining a hippie commune many times. In my mind I idealize what it would be like, but forget that sometimes people, even if they make the same external choices as me, (plant-based, sober, permies, etc) can still very much clash with my personality and oddly people who don't have the same lifestyle choices as me are some of the more enjoyable conversations I've had. Its a mad world sometimes. I guess connection isn't as linear as I'd like to imagine. (true story, there was a sober, vegan family, with two girls in our last town, and they wanted nothing to do with us...go figure)
On the other hand, I don't have first hand experience in a hippie commune, so maybe its magical and great. Maybe someday I'll do it, at least visit, just to find out. For now we are settled in Honolulu. A bit bigger of a city than I'd ideally like, but we are trying it on for size. So far I've met a lot of wonderful people, and a few I'll gladly let be on their way. We've been trying to jumpstart our health here in the tropics. I did a juice cleanse for 35 days (husband is still going and on day 42!). I think some of the clarity I got from just juice for that amount of time is that honesty of self, and self discovery are worthy endeavors. Being myself even if it is inconvenient for others is okay. Or at least it will be from what I've heard.
We've been busy renovating the backyard so we can have people over for dinner. My favorite way to socialize is in a small group over a meal, preferably at someone's house or outside. I like to cook, eat, have kids running around, talk story, laugh, get to know people and just enjoy company. My introversion runs deep, so big soirees or concerts are just simply not me. I have sadly, chastised myself for my "social ineptitudes" my whole life when in reality, if you take a fish out of water she'll want to jump ship at the first sign of small talk. We don't need to fit into someone else's mold of what a "good-time" is. My good time is just as great as someone else's albeit much smaller.
I hope that you are finding what is working and not working for you in relationships. I hope that whoever finds this is discovering they are not wrong, weird, or any different than they were meant to be. My husband is an extrovert and sitting at the house all day reading, writing, making art will drive him looney, whereas for me it is vital. We have argued and chastised and tried to bend the other to our way. But we are realizing we are different, and its okay. Simple but not easy. Taking the time to know myself with less distraction has been the propeller. Less media (TV, socials, internet in general), more healthier food, and regular meditation have led me to where I am at this moment. That and reading books (mostly for free from the Library!).