So in a few minutes I'm going to drive to the beach house that we have been thinking about purchasing for over a year now. We were actually under contract for it a while back and then backed out. It was awful. I honestly said "If we go back to it, it better be because we are going to buy it." That is not what we are doing. I guess time heals some wounds, but I'm not really looking forward to it as much as I would like. My husband and I still want to end up in Hawaii, so I guess maybe that's part of it, feeling further away from the end goal with this other distraction in the way possibly. But every time we go see it, we love it. It is very old and very beautiful, but also big and expensive. We can probably afford it as long as the business keeps chugging along, but is that what we want? To chug along?
Another thought plagues me about moving far away though. I know the saying "wherever you go there you are" keeps resounding in my mind in reference to Hawaii. Whatever problems I have here I will just take with me. But I'm still drawn to it and a little skeptical about that saying's predictions here. One of my main motivations for moving there is to live among, and hopefully socialize with, people a little more like me. Pretty much these days, the only people in my niche are on social media. What do I mean by this? Well, I'm in a pretty small demographic for friends these days, and yes, some of it is self-inflicted I guess you could say, but it is the truest version of myself so I just have to keep on. To sum up, it's hard for this whole-foods-plant-based, slow-living, minimalist, mother, in recovery (meaning I don't do drugs or drink at all), who runs for fun, and wants to live somewhat alternatively from the masses, to find people who can relate...Even in my recovery community I'm an odd bird. And in the plant-based community I follow Medical Medium so even eating at a restaurant is a challenge. I know these are all very reductive and really, I need to be able to love and appreciate others for their differences, instead of trying to find people just like me. That being said, I have found that money and food are very divisive for some. I might not care that someone else eats animal products, but they might not want to be around me because I remind them of this difference, and the same can be said for finances. Again, I feel I'm being reductive because people vary, and maybe they just don't like the sound of my voice, but I have not been super successful with easy relationships that just flow. So I guess, really it's a wish that I find my kind of people in Hawaii. From all the places I've been it seems that way, but I know it won't be instantaneous.
And really, I just feel that who I have grown into is in some ways very un-American. I am not interested in all the things you can buy. I do not care about or want another degree. I am not impressed with excessive wealth. I want to know what you are doing when you feel the most joy. I want to see the world and experience the miraculous (like diving with whales!). I want to know if what you are doing to heal is it working? I want to know if you are creating things and feeling like a creator of your own life. Do you have someone there for you? Did you do it alone?
I spent the morning in the garden, taking down netting, planting some beans, weeding and watching a little YouTube. Some papayas are coming up, there's new zucchinis coming on, and my giant sunflowers are starting to form buds! I loved all of it. Then I went to look at a beach house, it was also awesome. Most of my days I really look forward to. I know I'm finally on the right track. Not that the other things I chose didn't feel right at the time, just, they were more stressful. And for whatever reason, having less stress in my life became paramount to everything else. It took precedence over what other people think about my "performance", the letters after my name, what my family expects of me, what society expects of me, how much money I was making, all of it. Now of course I have to eat, so I can't make nothing, but I can have a minimal job, that brings me enough. So the peacefulness, the meditation, the minimalism, the stopping buying, the cutting down on plastic waste in my life, the being vegan, the running and gardening instead of the gym, the getting rid of screens in the house (for the most part), the making pottery, all of it ended up not just making the world healthier, but me too. I watched a video on the Tube in which Rob Greenfield said this very succinctly, "all the things that were better for the planet, turned out to be better for me too." And I second that. And I'm also switching to minimalist footwear which means no more buying big bulky running shoes. So, yeah, I'm not sure I fit in here anymore.
Or maybe I do. I think there are so many people these days waking up to the bill of goods they've been sold about what they should want in life and are chucking it out the window (or probably recycling but I digress). So being the change I want to see has had it's ups and downs and it's certainly not winning me any local popularity contests (were these ever really a thing?), but I'd never go back. I used to seek comfort above all else, and now something else is there. I haven't got it all figured out just yet. I really am working on letting go of the negative feelings with wanting to change others and fully accepting the world as it is. For example, this morning when another human was tailgating me, I got filled with anger and wanted to pay it back to them, like real bad. No, nothing major happened, but it got away from me. I even saw it as it was happening. The angel on my shoulder said to let it go, but my lower nature couldn't resist sticking it to them a little. It's that stuff that I want to really be rid of because I have a suspicion that it has something to do with my lack of close relationships. When I allow others to be themselves, they feel connected and even drawn to me. When I am judgmental and criticizing it has the opposite effect. Still not quite a saint today, but maybe tomorrow. What I will keep doing though is listening to the peacefulness, the silence. I'll keep asking my inner self what the anger is about and releasing the old pain if needed and continuing to seek others who want to join my weird tribe. I will keep trying to lower my carbon footprint and let go of the need to consume or keep up with whoever or whatever is calling my attention. I will be okay without the new thing. I will be okay without the new friendship too if it takes more time. I will keep gardening and growing my food and dreaming about Hawaii and the Whales. I will keep sharing my truth that day, because I hear it sets you free. Amen