I have always liked to make decisions first, and ask questions later. No time, no time, I think (or really I should say feel). I like the decision to be off my plate so I can breathe a sigh of relief. Having the idea is like a hot-potato, super fun, but also I need to throw it, with a lot of anxiety. This is not the way my husband makes decisions. He likes to think about and look at every conceivable option and angle before he can make a decision, especially one involving money. To say that it has been a spot of contention for us over the years is like saying it's kinda warm in death valley in the summer. You get the picture. We like to joke that it's been good for each of us, he has to not get into analysis paralysis and I have to stop being so impulsive. It is true to some extent, but you'd think that maybe we'd both sort of change, or come around over the years to the other's side more, but no, we are stubbornly maintaining our own status quo.
But I might be changing a little. I'm trying to learn to let go. For some of you that like numerology (hey there!), I'm in a 9 year which is associated with the year of the Hermit. It is said to be an introspective year of growth and research and well, that has been true so far. For those that don't like the woo-woo stuff, okay, maybe it's just a pandemic and everyone is in a Hermit year. That's cool too, I can vibe with both. As a somewhat reformed skeptic, I don't always feel comfortable with woo-woo, but I'm trying to be as open as possible these days. I also found when I started going to Mystery School and learning about Mystic Arts I was just simply happier. I like the people, they are weird, but they are also seekers, looking for more or at least looking for meaning out of this existence and we have so much fun going down the rabbit hole. So, I am drinking the kool-aid but with a pinch of salt.
I've been listening to a lot of Ram Dass lately. My husband doesn't like him all that much, but I really do. I like that he's like the comedian of the guru world. He's always got a good joke coming right around the corner. I've been watching some YouTube videos of Eckart Tolle and he's actually pretty funny too, which didn't come across in his books as much, but when I listened to him on video, it was awesome. He's always cracking himself up, which I can relate to. And Ram Dass has this beautiful way of talking about his human-ness that I just really love. He jokes about being a bit perverted, judgmental, and angry at times. I identify with those stages of his journey. I feel like I'm always trying to be a bit more spiritual than I am at any given moment and sometimes it backfires.
For example, while writing I vacillate widely between writing to help others and writing to be well liked or seen as funny. I will feel that something I've written is pure gold and then upon a second go through realize I sound like a teenager on whip-its (whoaaaa, so cool, like, you get me and I get you and we are here, getting it together...also if you don't know what whip-its are, I commend you, because you obviously had high quality friends in high-school). But who really knows what I sound like to someone else. I imagine sometimes I sound like a fairy hippie child to some, maybe whose done one too many whip-its, and to others I sound like an uptight dill-weed.
But like I said, I'm trying to change. Okay, so a lot of that comes in the form of Universe-bargaining. In my mind if I change my impulsivity with my husband and concede to his desire to do things at a mind-numbingly slow pace then I will win his favor and get this big thing I really really want...moving to Hawaii. If I'm good, then God will reward me with gifts. So okay, I'm still working on altruism for it's own sake, and I didn't know when I started this piece that I'd uncover a dark motive, but there it is. There is good in it too, it's not all shadows. I am trying to practice non-attachment to stuff (I see the irony here with the Hawaii cling). If I stop buying stuff impulsively then I have more money to save for Hawaii. It will also make the move easier considering I won't have to pack or get rid of things (I'm so practical).
But what if I don't get what I thought I needed? Oh, that makes me sad just to write it. I wrote a post about the first time I went to Hawaii and I loved every second of that article. Just like the place itself. Stuart Wilde talks about using up the energy of a place, person or thing and moving on. This includes clothes, cars, homes etc. Not super sustainable when it comes to goods, but I can feel that need for newness sometimes. And maybe that's all Hawaii is for me, but I'm totally fine making a Hawaiian mistake I can tell you that much. If it's going to be an epic fail, lets have it be in paradise. I'm also okay if Hawaii is not forever. Maybe after that Australia? Indonesia? Timbuktu? I'm game, however my husband has to surf, so I guess Timbuktu is out. Maybe one day my energy will rest and I won't need to move. Sounds nice too. But for now, the sea calls, so I must answer. Hope to meet you along the way.