Usually I make a title for an article and I write about that. Sometimes I make a title, start writing about that, and then veer off down some other road. Usually I have to write about whatever is going on and I'm not always the best judge of that at the outset so I hope you'll bear with me regardless.
Focus has never been my strong suit, and since quitting coffee over a month ago I can't say it's improved, although I'm hopeful. I'm in my new office and my husband is coming in and out rambling about the length of a lamp and where it should go, so I'm not getting the peaceful writing environment I envisioned but oh well.
We just called the dealership that we bought my beautiful new car from last year to make an appointment for them to potentially buy it back tomorrow. It is a 2019 Rav4 limited hybrid and it is glorious. But I'm ready to sell her because I really want to offset the cost of the RV we are going to be buying in a couple of weeks. We close on our house on Friday and moved the last bit of stuff out of it this morning and there's been a little undertone of sadness in it all. I just finished 3 pots in the pottery studio that I pay to create in and I know my time there will soon be over and I won't renew. And I love it there, but for now, I'm letting it go.
You know the feeling. When you are downsizing or letting go of things you once loved or still love, but they just don't serve your current goals. I know they are "things" but I usually get attached and un-attaching is a little painful. On my old computer my lock screen has a quote that says "Detachment is not that you should own nothing, but that nothing should own you."- Ali ibn abi Talib. And it is just easier said than done, even though I know the doing is a good thing ultimately.
I really do want to get rid of my things and live full time in an RV with my family. I want to do things that scare me but also excite me with possibilities. I want to be able to clean my entire house (dwelling?) in 8 minutes. I want to pare down to the basic necessities. I at least want to try. It may suck. I might hate it. But that's okay too. It's not forever if I don't want it to be. The same goes with the stuff. If I want it back, I can get some things again.
Here I go veering a little, but it's coming up so I'm going to write about it. When I was running the 50k 3 days ago I cried a lot (maybe 3 times total). At mile 20 it was because of the physical pain. But at mile 22 it was the emotional pain of my childhood and I wanted my parents. I wanted them the way a little girl cries out for her mommy when she stubs her toe. I cried because I didn't get a lot of being held and rocked and cuddled the way I wanted to when I was a little girl. I felt alone and like I was bothering my parents with my emotions and being. I cried and let go of that pain and the resentment towards my parents for not being able to do it. I cried because now that I'm a parent I know how hard it is to balance your own emotional wellbeing and that of your child on any given day, especially when you grew up without an example. I cried because I missed my girls and I wanted to hold them, but I was running and someone else was with them. I cried because I want to control if they feel loved enough even though I am doing my best to love them with all my might, but I still wonder if it's enough or if I'm capable of handling their needs. It all was just coming up and I was running and sobbing and when I walked to take a break, my husband just walked next to me, grabbed my hand and said a prayer out loud in the woods.
I will say this, running that race made me dig deeper than I have gone in a long time. The last ten miles were brutal, but I kept on. I pushed and pushed for 31 miles and the last time I cried was in the last mile and a half and it was out of gratitude. I broke through the pain and after those prayers on the trail something lifted from me. This journey through the pandemic, and training, and parenting, and trying to keep our business afloat, and rediscovering minimalism and frugality has brought me to a really cool place. I told Jason today, "I think we should keep running on Sundays." He said, "Yeah, I think it's good for us." And of course he meant FOR US.
Again, without the caffeine, I don't know how much clarity I'm getting these days, but all the other stuff I'm doing has been bringing the priorities of my life into the forefront. One thing I know, I'm going to love running through the desert, on mountains, by lakes and through forests I've never been to before. And if that means selling some stuff I like, well so be it. I hope you are well out there. Much love, and happy trails...Amen