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Surrendering to what is...

We have compromised and decided to stay in Saint Augustine for a few more years as our business matures before we move away to Hawaii. It can sometimes feel as if I will never get home. The pandemic created some challenging scenarios for our business. First of all, we stopped making money, we came out even, so I am thankful as I know many people did not fare so well. Second, we thought it was in a place of automation, but when we returned from the three months on the road, and it was not in the greatest place. My husband was at the helm when he left and some people who work for us felt a little out of sorts. They did a great job, but really needed more direction and help.

We talked about hiring a CEO so that we could travel sooner, but the risk of hiring a stranger is high. For one, interviews are not always the full picture, sure hiring your friends comes with challenges too, but hiring a random person is harder in some ways. You don’t know what they’ll do after the honeymoon period is over. With people we know in the community, we have an idea of the longevity of their work-ethic, and it feels more like family. With a stranger you get a more specific set of skills, but also, they have to relocate and are expensive.

My husband was not sure we could swing the hire of a new CEO financially, and also, he felt he needed to right the ship and right the wrong when he left his crew high and dry. Also, lets be real, he loves it. We figure it will take at a minimum 2 years and max 3 to get everything actually automated. It will take that time to train the team we have to be more self-sufficient and also to settle and recover from the pandemic’s financial effects (we think).

I was (am?) not happy about this. I want what I want when I want it, which is now…Last night, I took some time alone. I had been with the kids all day while Jason worked until about 5:30 and I could feel the anger (pain) boiling. Some days home with the kids are just exhausting and I felt particularly tired yesterday. I got plenty of sleep, but just felt drained, like I was swimming in mud, at the bottom of a particularly dark well. I just wanted my mind to shut up! I was tired of my frustration (pain) and how snappy I had been. I was tired of the situation with my mother, she texted another long text explaining her hurt and that she was going to therapy (yay?!). I texted her back but felt maybe I should have kept it short. Instead, I tried to explain (calmly) that I felt it was unfair to abandon me in my childhood and again recently over a blog post. I told her I was sad she only saw the negatives and not all the positive things I wrote about our relationship. She texted back and I didn’t respond. It was a nice enough text, but I know my capacity is to say my peace once, then move on. More explanation has not proven to result in deeper understanding or increase productive discourse. Instead, I sent a few pictures of the girls later in the day to get back to something normal and less frustrating (full of grieving). I know I want peace above all things now, and her journey through her emotions during this time our relationship has been strained is not for me to solve for her, but part of me is still frustrated with my powerlessness (sadness, loneliness and disconnection).

Honestly, my mind and heart struggle to even engage talking about how she decided to opt out of my life. It feels a little insane to again be trying to assuage her fears and I am being careful not to drift into people pleasing and apologize for something that isn’t mine to own. I say this with love. I say this because it is so easy for me to drift into guilt that does not belong to me. I was tired yesterday and could not shake the feeling that there were some feelings left unfelt clinging to my aura. They kept whispering for me to acknowledge them and sit with them and I kept trying to just be O-freaking-Kay. I brushed them aside with huffs and puffs. I tried to project them onto my husband and how much he is working. I tried to crowd them out by digging deeper into the book I am reading, but they pinched, and they itched and thankfully instead of letting them get so loud that I lashed out, I asked (strongly) for time to go be alone.

I went and sat in my favorite chair in a room all by myself. I turned on a guided meditation on surrender (Sarah Blondin, highly recommended, she the boss) and I did just that. I felt the pain. I let tears fall. I asked for help from my Higher Power and spent time in the presence of my creator and The Giant Magnolia tree that greets me every morning and every night and I let the Mother (Earth) who has always called for me, to embrace me and love me. I felt and feel a deep kinship with the wind and the trees and as a runner, I know they support and care for me. Spend enough time in nature and you will feel them reeling you in too. The trees are still trying to teach me stillness, teach me to give. They are loving, connected sentinels of this out-of-control world, standing steadfast in their devotion to us and the life on this planet. I felt the grief and loss of my expectations for Hawaii. I felt the loss of the water that I love to dive deeply into. I felt the loss of the Aloha spirit and the island vibes that permeate. I felt the pain of not being understood by my family and the distance that is there. I felt the longing and loneliness of my inner child to feel at home. I let the anxiety speak to me. I let the hum of the pain echo through my heart and throat and grow louder until it began to bubble through the surface of my eyes and the shudders of my chest. I felt the tightening and release of letting go. I felt the love and honor that I give to myself today. For coming home to my true nature within and for the way that I feel my life pleases my Mother Earth and my Higher Power. I practiced gratitude for the spiritual teachers (including my family) for their permitting my suffering to prepare the way for a deeper understanding of the world and ultimately myself. I held space for myself. I allowed the pain to come. I relinquished embarrassment for my feelings, and I let them sit, fall, and roll out where they wanted to go.

I had a good morning, and today has been fun. I went on a trail run with a friend, played in the garden, did laundry, and talked to my husband and girls. I am writing and I am reading. We took the dogs to play at the beach and we found some fossilized shark teeth. I am making curry and getting ready for the day’s end. I will end today’s musing with a short meditation…

I am asking you to close your eyes (after reading through) and take a deep breath in, hold it for a few seconds and let go of the day on the exhale. Put your hand over your heart and breathe into your own feelings, just as you are right now. Search your heart for the truth that you have tried to keep hidden. Breathe into your truth no matter if you approve or not, whether it is gratitude, presence, joy, pain or grief. Let it be there. Trust your heart and your breath. Ask them to help you to go deeper. Ask them to help you to feel whatever feelings are coming to you. Trust the feeling. Know that it is there to help you. The feeling is trying desperately to help you to heal. When you embrace it with surrender and love you move through it and into it. Yet you hold onto your heart and your breath. You are alive, you are human, and you feel. You are a part of the bigger whole and your healing is important, this world is in desperate need of all of our healing. Take all the time you need to feel and connect to your heart, your breath and continue to find the divine love in surrender. Light a candle, put on some music, whatever anchors you in the present.

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