I had an experience. I went somewhere. I went to a place in the jungle. I went to a place near the beach. It smelled like plumeria and jasmine. I bathed naked under a waterfall. The full moon woke me at 4:30 just to sing to me. I went to this place to meet myself.
I went to this place to meet others. I invoked the Goddesses to guide me. I asked the Light-beings to gently teach me to be whole. I called to the Angel of the Water to heal my body and infuse my soul with her Goodness and strength. I stared deeply in to the cosmos of another woman’s eyes. I cried from the depths of my soul. I met Shakti. I met Shiva. I allowed pleasure to wash over my body. I allowed the thoughts and images to run wild through my mind without judgment or restraint. I watched the hummingbirds dance and the sea hawk rest. I touched my friends with pure, loving presence. I gave their bodies and hearts much needed joy in the places they had pain. I honored my sexuality and my sensuality. I persuaded my Pussy to delight in all her Glory. She and I walked hand in hand through so much numbness and repression. She and I walked hand in hand through so much Light and Presence. She and I are still working on our love language. She is teaching me her Holiness. She needs me to trust her more. I awakened Eros or more accurately, I began to believe in His goodness. I stood naked before men and women. I showed them my scars. I wept. I showed them the darkest parts of myself, and they responded with love. To my surprise, I too, responded to their nakedness with reverence and gratitude.
And yet, there is work to do. I am still grasping at straws. I am still plucking petals for love. I yearn to write letters on stationery and send them to my beloved. I fantasize about his brown eyes holding mine in the candlelight. I close my eyes and feel his warm hands on my hips. I cling to fantasies of being met by him. I am still thinking. I am still manipulating for approval. I am still the little girl begging for attention and love out of desperation and fear. Hot tears fall and my throat clenches for this longing. I miss something that I am still unable to grasp within myself. I am told it is there. I am keeping faith that I will find absolution. The wounded parts of myself want a love outside of myself. It masks as a need, as addiction. And yet, something new has begun to grow along side of the weeds. Something deeply rooted. It may take a lifetime to grow but has begun to bare fruits. A Deeper Desire. It echoes “you are fundamentally well,” through my sorrow. It carries with it waves of joy, compassion and the strength of kings and queens. It is grounded in the knowing that this is a life of service to the Divine. That the Beloved I seek is here now. My Oneness. The constellations of people, experiences and lovers have led me to myself and to God. I continue to expand and contract. Sometimes I am in the Shakti, pure emotion, pure chaos, being tumbled and held down by the undertow, tearing my flesh on the reef. I am clinging to the rocks as I gasp for air. I am projection and blame. Covered in blood and fire. And then I am rocketed into the stars, burning with strength and wisdom, perfectly at peace. Mountain pose. A warrior of silence. Shiva holds me and I am far above the messiness. The pendulum swings but I am held by a deeper knowing that it is all okay.
I can’t remember a time when I was not this. When I was not wildness and depth. I can remember when I hid parts of myself. I still hold back. Afraid of my depths and my strength. Frozen in order to survive. I am hopeful for the Spring. I am forever changed. Hope and faith are my sentinels...
I had an experience... I went somewhere. I went to a place in the jungle. I went to a place near the beach. It smelled like plumeria and jasmine. I bathed naked under a waterfall. The full moon woke me at 4:30 just to sing to me. I went to this place to meet myself.