In the online course I am taking I am learning about different stages a woman (specifically) may go through when in a relationship or throughout cycles in her life where she embodies different archetypes. The Princess, The Ice Queen, The Wild Woman and the Priestess… Some from reactions to relationships, trauma and cultural norms that have been taught to us. Some from our truth within.
I can say with assurance that I know The Princess and The Ice Queen very well. The Wild Woman has begun to gain a little ground since having little girls and seeing that they (we) need to create joy and expansion in our lives. I want my girls to see that they are not “too much.” They are divine in all their wildness. They live with pure joy and expression, and I want them to be able to hold on to that as much as this world will allow. They are showing me where I covered up The Wild Woman, and I am trying my best in turn to cultivate for them a good example of authentic, feminine expression. Eventually, I hope to embody The Priestess, the outward expression of the Goddess within.
And as much as I want freedom for them, I am starting to want it for myself. I have been paying attention to this younger generation that is wild and free and not afraid to express it. At first my own internalized misogyny and repression wanted to judge and criticize and shame the wildness out of them. I never did it publicly online, but I wasn’t celebrating their liberation either. I would think things like, “wow, she is really trying to get some attention.” Or, “leave a little mystery honey. No self-respecting guy wants a girl like that.” (So shitty, I know). Only slowly have I been able to see that their humanness is also my humanness. I have continually tumbled the judgments in my mind and questioned their voracity. I wanted to be able to be wild. I wanted to be able to be beautiful AND smart. I wanted to be seen. I wanted to be okay being myself. I wanted to put myself out there FOR MYSELF. Not because of what other women or men might think negatively about me for. BUT TO LEAD OTHERS TO THEIR BEAUTIFUL, WILD, TRUTHS. I started to realize; they didn’t care about my criticisms (thank God). And they shouldn’t, and neither should I care (focus my energy) about how others think about me.
“To thine own self be true,” has become the ever-expanding mantra in the onion of my life. The layers keep peeling back and revealing more and more about this world that I didn’t know. I am loving all the new and wonderful revelations that have been coming. I am so grateful to the people (women and men) who continue to put themselves out there, despite all of the vitriol that comes their way. Before I spent enough time with my judgments (which time and time again are always about me and my own self-hatred), I too was bitter, harsh, and unforgiving. I mean really, look at why you are judging someone. A lot of mine seem to swirl around body-image issues, fear of rejection from women and men, and feelings of being “less-than.” And for me, when I look at them closely and talk to them in meditation, I see a little girl who is so very hurt and scared to live. I see a narrative and a script that was placed on me when I was so impressionable and vulnerable. I see a cloak of ideas meant to keep me small and manageable. I found some scissors, and I'm going to cut it to shreds...
My sponsor is truly an amazing woman. Higher Power works through her in miraculous ways and even as I write these words, tears of gratitude are welling up with my love for her (I love her so hard!). She has told me time and again, “Lauren, do you really want to hang out with people who don’t want to hang out with you?” and this one sentiment, this one question, is something I bring into my heart; into my meditation with The Goddess within during quiet moments. Because, no, I don’t. When I really sit with this question for a few moments, the answer is a resounding NO. I (you) am perfectly imperfect in the way God/Universe/Goddess made me (you) and I came here on a mission. Not everyone is going to vibe with my vibe. Not everyone will understand me. Some people will downright dislike me and try to spit hatred toward me (re: the unhealed parts of themselves). This does not mean we sit back and let haters hate, we block, break-up with, call-out and challenge when necessary, but we also laugh and find understanding in the darkness because we too have been there to some degree.
But GD, I came here to MF shine MY light, and you came here to shine your MF, GD, beautiful, big-ass light (ya know!). I know I have knocked social media more than a few times on my blog, but holy-shit is it also so amazing right now. I’m sure its great for men, but it has been so amazing for this woman, to see other women speaking up and out. I am learning so much about myself and that I am not the only person who has been living a narrative that does not serve me anymore. A narrative that was fed to me that I did not choose. The “good-girl” narrative when I was never really “good/bad.” I have always been bad-ass. I have always been wild. I have always been capable. I have always been a leader. I have always been just fine the way I am.
My hope with all this is that we all start paying attention a little more to those judgments within us, whether about ourselves or about others. I will speak for myself and say that I am dedicated to my joy, my freedom and the joy and freedom of others. This year I want to LIVE. I want to come out of my life-long “freeze” response (fight, flight, and freeze), and do a few things that shake me out of this old, dusty prison.
I started taking pole dancing for fitness and for myself, the “sacred-slut” that needs expression. For femininity, for sensuality, to feel alive. I am watching myself in the mirror, and I am not looking away. I want to SEE her. I am taking it for all the times I judged the women who dared to express their sexuality and their beauty when I couldn’t. I am sorry for that, and I want you to know how deeply I love and admire you now. Is it scary? Yes. Is it also exciting? YES…
It turns our I get to choose (you get to choose) my life (your life). I get to choose myself (and no it isn’t selfish, and no it isn’t narcissistic). Things I choose: ridiculous amounts of self-care (facials, massage, doing my hair and makeup if I want to etc., all things my feminine loves), travel and experiences, dancing, hearing myself sing at the top of my lungs even if my voice cracks, being “embarrassing”, being sexual, sparkly high-heels, empowering women through social media, healthy food, delicious food, fabulous restaurants, fun adventures with my kids, the wisdom of my children, the wisdom of women, the intuition of women, men who support the wisdom of women in their lives, high vibes and of course recovery.
What do you choose? Who do you choose? What do you really want for your life? What feels really good and right to you that maybe you have neglected for the sake of people-pleasing? If you need a person to have your back, I got it. I will be cheering right along side you. Because if I can’t be happy for your happiness, then I have some personal work to do. But thankfully right now, I am so effing happy for you…